Text Me Maybe!
Breaking News from The Off-Base Newsdesk* at Foul Territory…
NEW YORK – The Major League Baseball Players Association has announced that “On-Field Cell Phone Use” is a major agenda item in the next collective bargaining agreement. The players union wants MLB to equip the players, coaches and umpires with smartphones in order to revolutionize on-field communications.
If these rules are incorporated in the next CBA, all the umpire calls, mound visits, coaches directing player positioning and pitch selection will all be communicated via text. The belief is that this would practically eliminate sign stealing and would cut down on lengthy mound visits.
MLBPA Executive Director Tony Clark said, “All these initiatives are a way of getting the most out of our players. Young people today are so much more comfortable texting than talking face-to-face. If the players are more comfortable, they will play better. And baseball signs are so 1900.”
Players would also be allowed to post to social media during a game. This allows players to create their own personal brand during the game by posting to their favorite social media account.
Houston Astros All-Star second baseman, José Altuve said, “I am super excited about the possibility of Instagramming during the game. When I make a big hit or clutch play in the field or see an Ariana Grande lookalike in the stands, posting it after the game is so anti-climactic. Now everyone can see it in the moment.”
In 2015, Pablo Sandoval was suspended by the Red Sox for “hearting” a photograph of Instagram model Diva Legacy in the middle of a game. He claimed he saw the picture while using the bathroom and that it wasn’t a distraction because he was too busy thinking about the millions of dollars he had tricked the Red Sox into giving him. Little did we know that he (and Diva Legacy) was at the vanguard of this dramatic rule shift.
The National Association of the Deaf has been supportive of the new proposal. However, they have expressed concerns about banning the use of hand signals because it could be stigmatizing for deaf fans. The National Association of the Blind – who count among its membership a significant number of Umpire’s Association members – are outraged at this new idea and plan to take up the matter directly with Commissioner Rob Manfred.
The American Association of Retired Persons echoes the concerns that these initiatives are discriminatory, but for a different reason. “Take a look at 82-year Phil Regan, the newly hired Mets pitching coach who never texted in his life. If there isn’t a clearer example of ageism, I don’t know it,” said Jo Ann Jenkins AARP spokesperson.
Commissioner Manfred took a break from experimenting with robot umpires, pitch clocks and stealing first base to say, “We have strong reservations about this. We want the players to create their own personal brand and feel better on the field. But we fear this will slow down the game and distract the players. We have to study this further.”
* Off-Base is defined as “mistaken or misinformed; not aligned with reality.” Articles appearing in the Off-Base column of Foul Territory are not meant to be taken seriously. Anyone doing so would themselves be considered off-base.
