New Year’s Resolutions 2019
Happy New Year to all of you who read my column—the casual readers, the enthusiastic borderline cyber-stalkers and even the folks who just wound up here from Google because I typed “Nick Jonas STD scare” just now.
2018 was a strange year for me. But I’m not going to sit here and complain because I know that this year some of you out there had that really horrible thing happen at that place with that person about that thing.
To wrap things up for the year, some people like to do year-end lists. And I was going to do one of those, too, and it was going to be hilarious and awesome and also make you think a little about yourself and where you’re going in life. But I decided that it wouldn’t be such a good idea because I would probably be just too insightful and cause you to question everything that you do in every aspect of your life. [Editor’s note: Jed, are you sure you didn’t skip that idea because you put it off for too long and the year actually ended and you realized nobody really cares about a year-end list once the new year starts?] [Note to editor: Screw you, man.]
So, anyway, what I decided to do is take a look forward to the next year like most people do—I originally typed “moist” there, “moist people.” I don’t know what that would mean. But if it means what I hope it means, then I assume that moist people look forward to the next year even more so than the rest of us.
I know the headline said these are New Year’s resolutions, but these are going to be more about what other people can do to make themselves better. Resolutions are supposed to be more of a personal thing, but what the heck am I going to resolve to do? Be a nicer person? Offend people less? Comply with restraining orders? I think we all know none of that is going to happen this year.
However, I do have a few ideas of things other people can do to make themselves better and, more importantly, make me happy. And as the old saying goes: It is better to give advice than to receive it.
Dodgers – Find a way to finish.
For sure it is impressive to make it to the World Series two years in a row. Playing a 162-game season and then getting through two rounds of playoffs against the best teams in the league is quite an accomplishment.The Dodgers look like the team to beat in the National League and are the favorites to make it back to the World Series. Doing it all three years in a row is almost unheard of. But I think this year it might be un-unheard of.
Chris Davis – Don’t be worse than last year.
Ha! Ha! Just kidding. He couldn’t possibly be any worse than he was last year. Sometimes when a player gets a huge contract, his statistics will go down a little. Then by the end of it, the team that signed him regrets having made such a lucrative deal. The Orioles were looking almost not dumb after the first year of Davis’ big contract when he was worth 2.8 WAR (Wins Above Replacement). That’s worth about $22 million. Cool. Then he crashed down to .1 WAR in 2017 and -3.1 WAR in 2018. MINUS! The only way he could be worse is if he was tackling his own teammates while they’re batting.
Pete Davidson – Slow it down.
What’s that movie where there’s an out-of-control train where the accelerator is stuck at full speed? Oh, right, all train movies. Anyway, Pete is like one of those trains. He’s putting together one of the more tragic life-stories in Hollywood history except she’s doing it in Cliff’s Notes form. He’s been a standout performer on Saturday Night Live for a few years now, but the rumors of drug abuse were confirmed and then he got engaged to Ariana Grande, broke up with Ariana Grande, mocked a one-eyed politician and wrapped up the year with a disturbing Instagram note. Pete, get your foot off the accelerator. There’s no prize for getting to the end of your life faster than everyone else.
MLB – Let them play.
Baseball teams have been manipulating service time for rookies to help gain minor financial advantages. It’s in accord with the rules that the Players’ Association agreed to but the rules stink. Whitney Houston said it best: “I believe the prospects are our future. Coach them well and let them swing away. Show them all the opposite field power they possess inside.” And also pay minor league players a living wage.
Albert Pujols – It’s time for a name change.
Look, Al, I love your name. Pujols is the most fun name in sports today. I know you’ve had it for your whole life (however long that actually has been). But, if my name was Jed Diarrhea and someone gave me $250 million, the first thing I would do after skinny dipping in a swimming pool full of tapioca pudding is I’d change my name. Maybe not to Jed Rigney, but to something that doesn’t make people think of my anus. If you don’t change it, then I am going to be forced to start calling your team the Los Angeles Anals of Anaheim.
All celebrity couples – Let’s work things out.
Last year was a rough one for celebrity couples as a whole. Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux and Cardi B & Offset and Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan all filed for divorce. I know celebrities are people, too, and I think that maybe even one or two of these ones I mentioned were a little bit upset at their marriages ending in 2018. But, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be remarried in 2019… just in time to be divorced in 2020.
Wilpon Family – Go away.
If you’ve read any of my columns before, then you know I don’t like bad team owners very much. Also, if you’ve read the Internet, then you know that everybody doesn’t like bad team owners very much. We’ve gotten rid of Frank McCourt and Jeffrey Loria, so now the baseball world can focus on the owner of the New York team that ranks 11th in payroll despite being located in New York. Spend some money, pal. The irony is that the only way the Wilpons could afford to pay players is if they sold the team. However, once a guy owns a team, he owns that team and leagues are loath to force any issues unless the owner goes full Donald Sterling. So, let’s hope Fred Wilpon’s [theoretical] mistress likes to record his [theoretical] drunken ramblings [theoretically].
If just some of these resolutions happened, then it would make 2019 a better year for almost everyone. And that’s what I want for everyone (almost everyone – you know who you are).
