All for One and One for All: Sports Fandom Is Like Monogamy

My wife, Kristin, is one of the most fascinating people I’ve ever met. Obvious statement because I married her, but hear me out. My entire personality is an oxymoron. I’m filled with terrible anxiety in any new situation, yet I constantly think about moving to a country where I don’t speak the language. I’m very shy and it takes me a long time to warm up to people, yet I love writing and broadcasting. Finally, I have zero commonsense and memory for every day life, but I tend to excel in remembering trivia and idiosyncrasies about random people and situations.

Kristin, meanwhile, is a student of the human experience. Anything with poor parenting, botched surgeries or socially taboo situations, Kristin is glued to the TV. Which leads me to today’s topic.

I was deleting emails when I ran across a note I wrote myself in 2015. The note read, “Being a sports fan is like being in a monogamous relationship.” Brilliant observation, right? But what sparked my monogamy moment? It was right then that my Rainman-esque subconscious kicked in.

Kristin dabbles in what she likes to call “trashy TV.” The object of her fascination? A lovely show called Neighbors With Benefits (NWB). Spoiler alert: The show was axed after two episodes, so feel free to binge. The concept was focused on what it’s like to live in a neighborhood where everyone was a swinger. It’s like “Full House” only in this version that weirdo Kimmy Gibbler comes over to seduce Uncle Jessie and Aunt Becky.

After two minutes I was done (get it?!), but really, it was a terrible show. As the other 58 minutes of this dredge continued, I started to drift off into a world where I’m examining how this notion turns into such a dud. Then it clicked, swingers are like the fad dieters of the sex world.

Fad dieters are instant experts on the subject, they never have anything else to talk about and they’re never good looking. This goober-filled train wreck of people fit this description to the tee.

Disclaimer: Please don’t misinterpret this as me being a prude. I’m a firm (LoLz) believer of “to each their own,” but I also met a real life couple that reaffirmed my biases. If anyone is from Philadelphia, you’ll be unsurprised to know this happened at what was the McFadden’s on 3rd. Thankfully, I wasn’t the target of their desire. But I knew the guy who was and, trust me, the people we were with watched the evening unfold with the same confusion and bewilderment as a dog who’s owners pull the blanket disappearing act on them. Naturally, I thought NWB would be somewhat entertaining.

These boring sloths were anything but entertaining. They were like leeches sucking (uhhh) on the new members of the community. They filled their heads with the joys of their community, but all had ambiguous ways they began this lifestyle. It sounded just like fad dieters and just like bandwagon fans.

Here’s where I’m going to get crushed in the comments. Yes, I am a child of the ’90s. Yes, I love the Yankees, Cowboys and Bulls (nobody cares that  I love the Flyers). And yes, I see where the bandwagon shot can be hypocritical. However, I’ve earned my stripes. At four or five years-old, it’s hard to go against your dad who loves the Yankees and Cowboys. My step-dad is also an enormous Cowboys fan, and he bought me a signed Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith helmet when I was kid. He also happens to be a huge Flyers fan and, since Puerto Ricans don’t like hockey, he won that battle, too. Finally, I loved the Bulls; not just because of Jordan, but Dennis Rodman was my god. With the exception of the Yankees, I’ve suffered through rebuilds, incompetence, heartbreak and Dave Campo’s boots.

That suffering is what makes your love of your favorite team like monogamy. You simply don’t dabble with other teams. Think about it. I’ll help you.

Uncanny. Honestly, my wife is the coolest person I know. She’s my best friend and always has my back. That’s why she’s better than any sports team. But to understand someone’s relationship is like understanding someone’s fandom.  It’s impossible. All you can do is sit back and appreciate it.

The monogamy club is a pretty cool one to be in, like being a Yankees fan. Much like being a Yankees fan, you’ll do anything to win at the game called life. Nothing is perfect, but overcoming the failures that make the triumphs so worth it. And when you look back on what you accomplished, the memories you make throughout the journey are as sweet as the the victory.

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